Do something worth loving.

It's probably safe to say that I think about love and relationships a great deal.  Either for myself, or on behalf of close friends, or in the abstract; it's on my mind a lot.

"You and everybody else, kid," I hear.

Well, I'm not so sure about that.

See, some people get obsessed about their job.  Some about music.  Or hockey.  Or dogs.  Or stocks.  Or entrepreneurship.  Or food.  Or knitting.  Or even cat lady and her cats.  Or any number of other, worthwhile, wonderful things (though the cats are arguable in that respect).  This is generally caused by some deep seated need for a person to be that way, and an illogical level of obsession is how people excel at understanding something.  It's safe to say that CEOs, professional musicians, actors, and Nobel Prize winners are all obsessed with something.  Whether or not we qualify their obsession as "healthy" depends on how high functioning they are.  (See cat lady for the "unhealthy" poster child.)  One way or another, though, it's there.

Maybe it's obvious to the people who know me well, or maybe it's not.  I'm not sure, but I'm obsessed with all of you.  I'm obsessed with my relationship to you.  This is not out of some clinical interest in what makes people tick.  If it were that, then I'd be a psychologist instead of a developer, entrepreneurial first mate on the good ship Venture Capital, and aspiring, yet private, musician.

Rather, it's because I worry.  Anxiety, such as it is in my life, is bound up into what you think of me.  There's no way around it; that's how I tick, though as I get wiser I learn how to manage it better and understand when it's happening.  I don't want everyone to love me - that's not where this goes.  I just want to know where I stand, and I want that relationship to be conflict free.  It's simple; if you blatantly fuck with me, we won't be hanging out anymore.  I have nearly no tolerance for irrational, anti-social, selfish behavior.  If you're a reasonable, intelligent, kind person, or I see those qualities buried in you, I'll want to be around you.  If you've got the above shit together, and seem to enjoy my company on top of that, I'll be happy to be your best friend.

This system is far from perfect, and I certainly err on the side of wanting positive, pleasant relationships rather than shitty ones.  I've made my share of mistakes in this regard.

Point being, I spend a great deal of time worrying over you and I, whoever you are.  Some relationships are certainly simpler, and those are the ones I really enjoy because I know where things stand.  I'm very high functioning about it, though there are cracks in the mask.  If you ever want to ruin my week and make me useless at work and at home (and I definitely mean week, perhaps plural, depending on how devious you are), get pissed at me over something that happened that I don't quite understand and can't fix easily.  (Except please don't.  I love you too much, and depending on how petty it is, I may just decide to get pissed at you too; I don't suffer fools lightly.)

So where am I going with this?  Well, I've been thinking about love.  I think for a proper relationship, both parties have to challenge each other in meaningful ways.  This is my problem with online dating - we're all basically there because we're feeling like homebodies and aren't out doing things.  Everyone claims they're too busy for dating, but that really means they don't have any fulfilling group activities that they feel are bringing them in contact with quality people they'd want to date.  I'm certainly guilty of this myself.  I suppose there are other reasons for doing it, but I'm not seeing them clearly at the moment.

So I'm attracted to people who challenge me, and make me feel like I need to improve myself.  Sometimes I forget that that needs to go the other way as well, and for that to happen, I have to be out doing shit.  I need to have strong goals.  I need to have opinions.

Why do women date assholes?  Because the assholes have an opinionated way of living.  It may not be a good way of living, but it doesn't lack for confidence and direction.  An asshole who just sits at home and loafs about doesn't get many dates.

Why do men chase after aloof, cold women?  Because they see the women out doing things that challenge them to be better, or something more, or even something different than they are.  And that makes them think, and thinking makes us happy even if the topic doesn't make sense.

Why do opposites attract?  Because they challenge each other to be better, and more than they are.  Similar people attract too if they're driven - they reinforce their similarities.

Why do musicians and poets talk about muses, and why are such muses usually attractive, interesting, opinionated people who conform to some strange, unapproachable ideal?  Because having someone like that around makes you think, act, and create to keep their interest.  It makes you look at yourself and use your time more efficiently to real effect.

Why do "nice" people keep getting dumped?  Because nice is not the same as challenging.  Challenging implies expectations and a will against things perceived as incorrect, lazy, or immoral.  Challenging lights a spark in our brains.  Nice is comfortable, but ends up feeling cold.

I, for one, am guilty of being nice without being challenging.  Challenging is very difficult for me, because it implies feeding a bit of conflict into my relationships to see how it plays out.  This sort of conflict is a problem because of the anxiousness I mentioned earlier.

So like I said, I've been thinking about relationships a lot, and because of my obsessions, I'm fairly certain I'm not terribly wrong about this.  Do something worth loving.  Do something that challenges those around you in a respectful way.  Be strong.  Have beliefs and opinions.  Be open-minded and adventurous.  Find others who are the same way.

None of this makes finding the right person any easier, but it does give you a frame of reference for how to go about interpreting the relationships you do find, and which you may already have.

I've had this post kicking around for a while - not sure that's a complete thought up there, but I figure it'll do more good out than stuck in draft form.