all alone at a table of friends

It's been a long time.

A lot has happened. I'm not sure if it has ended up for the better or what. It's certainly more complicated.

I guess I may end up living alone starting September. I'm not sure how I feel about that. My other housing options don't seem to really be going anywhere, as far as I can tell.

I want to move closer to work. That means my rent goes up by about $500 a month, if not more, if I want to live somewhere I'd want to live.

Life keeps moving. People pair off and go in different directions. This apartment seems to be our last shot at all living together, and we're all already prepared to move on. We were the day we moved in.

I guess that's what happens.

I'm mentally preparing myself to be a bachelor at large. It's odd how we end up in these unexpected states.

It's funny how many of the things you thought you valued and thought were cool when you were younger, it turns out, drive you nuts when you get older. It all seems so incredibly lame. So annoying. So trite and cheap.

It turns out that I'm not quite who I thought I was, and the things I always thought I cared about, I don't much care for at all. It leaves you staring at new meaning. Or at least staring at the old meaning wondering how you could have cared.

My goals are changing, somehow, and I can't really tell exactly what the difference is. I think I expect more, which is sort of crazy, because I already expected a lot.

I want to put myself someplace I'm not comfortable. Or someplace where I have to start over. This seems to be my theme lately.

Wanderlust

So when I went to school, I chose a practical career. Granted, it's one I enjoy.

There's some things that go along with that, though. Ten hour work days, commutes, being tied down, steady income, thankfulness for eventless weekends, mumbling in the kitchen at 7:30 pm trying to figure out what to throw together to eat, alarm clocks, getting ready for work in the morning, trying to find time to get some errands done, having errands and calling them such, buying clothes at least in part so that you'll be presentable at your company, having a company and describing yourself as working at such, using the term coworkers and forgetting about the social meaning of a bunch of people laboring together for the man.

I'm twenty four years old.

If I were to quit this job and all the things mentioned in that paragraph, leave this place and disappear for two years, when I came back I'd be twenty six. I'd still be a baby. This, really, has me wondering what I ought to do with those two years, since I seem to have them. A few options:

1. Go back to school for more computer science and software engineering.
2. Go back to music school.
3. Go back to art school.
4. Go volunteer somewhere.
5. Go get a job somewhere I don't really speak the language (Japan being a prime candidate, seeing as I'm at least already learning the language).

There are problems. I don't have a portfolio or anything of any sort for #2 and #3. For the others, well, so maybe those are the main problems. They're also the most fun sounding. All five, honestly, sound great. I enjoy what I'm up to, but I often wish that I had more control over what I do with my time. School would be good for that.

It's a matter of feeling like I'm accomplishing something in my time off. This works best if I have more time off, or am in a position where I can't help but learn something when at rest (re: Nihon).

I feel sort of like something has to give, soon.